How does an East West marriage fail so quickly?
Abuse by one partner or the other?
Total Incompatibility?
Foolhardiness, carelessness, inconsideration by one or both partners?
Or just plain stupidity?
Whatever the reasons, the situation would have been exacerbated by the fact that many western men think, quite wrongly, that to choose a bride from where they consider an 'easy pickings' area of the world is an ideal option 'for them'.
After all, the Internet does not lie, the various message boards and dating sites giving out all that mush making it Oh, so easy…finding a life companion…Easy?…I think not!!!
The first meeting, in a kind of 'holiday mode' mentality setting…what could be easier?
We all know the longevity of most holiday romances.
Leg over…Wham Bam, thank you Ma'am. Oh, and I will marry you, just to make it regular…just like I promised…on the Internet !!!
Of course the girl will agree, all she hears about is how much better life is if she marries a westerner.
Over the fence or across the water, the grass is always so much greener…not!
No hassle, no fuss, no traditional courtship. No long drawn out 'getting to know you properly' routine. Getting to know all those little annoying details that cause the anxieties early on in any developing relationship.
But no, none of this…'Wow', you hear them say, 'I can not believe my luck', We are getting married.
Best make it quick then…before you get any older or she sees the real you !!!
All very selfish, careless and inconsiderate…no real surprise there then !
Interestingly, they, the western man would not get away with it in the west.
They would soon get short shrift from the women in their own respective countries.
It is my firm belief that it is the western man that is solely at fault, probably due to the have it now, pay later, I want, why not me?, its available, I can - modern life mentality.
All relationships need work, time, love, understanding and compromise, lots of it, in abundance, overflowing to the point of painful, never stinting and always eager to make it happen.
It must work…its my responsibility to make it work - this should be the very least of a target to set oneself as the western half of an already difficult to reconcile union.
To those that make it work and find true happiness like myself...I applaud and congratulate you.
For those that fail, I cannot empathise with you as I suspect it was your intentions and motives that were flawed from the very beginning...
Anecdotes and Topical Information for the 老外 Laowai in China.
Thanx for the wisdom, I am a 43 year old divorced a man who has been celebate, (by choice), for the past 7 years beacause I did not want to go thru the pain of another relationship breakup, (what I like to call "the cowards way out!"). Although I have never entertained the idea of seeking a relationship from another country, (basically because of the reasons that you so eloquently state in your blog), I have seen a friend go through this process, only for it to end in alot of emotional pain. Thanx again for such a great blog entry.
ReplyDeleteI'm a young man who lived in Nanning for 3 years and ran into so many of these Western older gentleman (some are hardly gentlemen) with thirty+ or forty+ Chinese "wives". Nanning is a hotbed for such rediculousness.
ReplyDeleteThough I apreciate your perspective, your heartwarming points on what it takes to have a real relationship and your moralism...But, by all means, blame the Chinese women too; the Chinese certainly do. The Chinese language has all sorts of nasty terms about young girls and older men (i.e. Fresh flowers stuck into cow shit), don't think they're not aware of their life choices either. Sure this phenomena has an economic component, which dulls the sharpness of my critique, but it certainly doesn't take the blade from my hands.
Regards,
b
living in asia for so long i see the fly in, fall in love, marry situation often - especially in thailand. its all doomed.
ReplyDeletelive in the country for two years
date her for another two years
after marriage, live in the country for additional two years.
when you can live in a house without bread, eat asian food for months and squabble in the local tongue - youre ready to get married.
marrying someone from another culture is exciting. it should keep a marriage fresh
I arrived in Nanning in July 2007 to meet a lady ten years younger than me 52/42 whom I had been emailing for four months. She wanted me to bring the papers for marriage on this first trip. I said to her that we have to meet first.
ReplyDeleteAfter losing my senses a few days after arriving in Nanning I agreed to come back to marry her ( no sex involved actually). As I regained my senses after I returned home I came to realise that this was a recipe for disaster, whichever way you looked at it. When I heard myself say to someone that I am breaking all my own rules I started to wake up. I had thought that by the time I went back I would have feIt secure about it, I don't know how. I ended the relationship on 12/2007. It was a tough thing to do despite knowing it was the only sensible thing to do.
The bottom line was I could not marry a lady I did not know. I think I did her a favour as much as i did my self one as painful as it was. I think she was a genuinely nice lady but I coud not be sure and there was no way of knowing if we would get along well over a period of time.
I agree with Mark's view of living in the country for two years, knowing her for two years, living in the country together for two years.
There is no substitute for the time honoured way of courtship. Time is everything. There is no substitue for wisdom.
Marc
My story is unfolding in Thailand. I'm here because I'm tempted that China might be a greener pasture...hehehe. I came to find a new home in Asia because a US Insurance Co. bank-rupted me. I am a relatively poor westerner not in position to "take care" of my Thai wife financially. I shared all details before we married. She is a successful careerist and told me she wanted to marry me as good family man, not for money; she can take care of herself. So, I agreed. I give her 70% of my retire income each month,$525--and manage the remaining $225, some of which I spend on "us" but most on my need for physical therapy. Even so, one year into our marriage, she is pressing for more, that I don't have, for her dream projects. Understandable but I just do not have. So, for this and other reasons we might part...as friends. I offered her freedom just this morning. She might or might not accept. I am fearful of this possible change,but accepting... My China interest is in Chongqing area, nearest me. Your compilation of living costs for Nanning is a useful guide. Thank you.
ReplyDelete